August 8th, 2011 Raod Grader

When tony gets up at three a.m. to pee he is more wobbly since he cracked his head. The last night he smashes into the bedroom wall so hard, I think he fell. Tony you have to use a urinal. No, he says. You used a gallon jub in the truck. I remember how much I hated that yellow jug, sitting in the bunk full of old pee. Unscrew the lid and I would gag. Tony does not want to use a urinal now that he's out of the truck.

Backing a fifty two foot trailer between two other trucks with a foot on either side is geometric choreography. Tony did it every night and every day for thrity years. The year before last he started having trouble. The only way he could back in was to close one eye. His eyes are no longer focusing intricately together.

My thinking was if Tony left truck driving, his ability to balance would be tested all the time. His muscles would build up. There was no thinking that in the truck, there was always something to hang onto. There are hand holds built in. That using a bottle to pee in was what everybody does.

Okay I say. It is three a.m. Turn your light on. Sit on the edge of the bed then stand up and just stand still. Don't take a step. I watch him stand. He is skinny now. His bones articulate. He weeves from side to side like a flag pole in a medium wind. Every night Tony practices and he stops slamming into the walls.

Both dogs sleep on my side of the bed.

Now that Tony has cracked his head, the world is a little bit sharper. There is more glare. Corners stick out. There are not so many ways to ignore what he is loosing a little faster than I am.

Stand up straight. Don't screw up your face. Why is your head tilted to one side?

Tony is sixty two. I stop to watch old men walk upright with ease. I am waking up at night again needing to catch my breath and I do not know if we are loosing or gaining. Starting the morning, we are both tired.

Humming birds come to the porch while we drink our coffee, wicker chairs. Dogs bark. There is road machinery passing up and down the gravel county road. There is a lot of work to maintain this road. School starts up again soon. The school bus has to drive all the way up to the right angle bend just to turn around.