Memorial Day 2011

Tony and I end the day in the hot tub. Hot, hot, the water. Fourteen minutes to get my shoulders in. But before that. Before the BBQ with copper river salmon, chicken and steak, two kinds of salad and the four egg, two layer cake, one sticks to the bottom of the pan. Before I make butter frosting with leftover Canadian whiskey from my brother's visit. Before thirteen year old Grace, and ten year old Emily are heart struck by the cuteness of goats. Before Cathryn and I walk across the wild flowers and talk about getting too old for the violence on psychiatric units. Before Ron, Mary and Vern ride their bicycles from Cle Elum to our house - I ride the tall horse Kansas down the gravel driveway. We turn up at the mailbox. Her gray mane ruffles. Thunder storm clouds in the sky. My white hair, my back with the dark blue vest; there is a dull red pickup, a cloud of dust, coming up from behind. Cowgirl, black dog, white muzzle lifts her head from the ditch. Sniffs the air. Man in the pickup says: there's an old woman with her dog, riding a tall, gray horse up the road into the mountains. And then he passes by.

May 24th, House sleeping

Driving in the center for enough room. Can't follow a straight line, black country roads. the corner of my eyes, forms tumble across the hay fields. What are they? One in the morning. Another night, the same hospital. Sour with discouragement. I do not make the barn but crawl into bed naked against your body. Skin on skin. Is this enough for you?

You do not wake up.

May 23: Wormer

Tony is checking CDT vacine for baby goat. Hey, we are late on wormer. You didn't buy a drencher? Money issue waiting for social secruity check. Learn to talk to me Tony. Okay. I won't ride before work. This is how we'll do it: Use the 20 cc syringe if we need to squirt it. Try to sprinkle on grain. Formula 2 for Cindy Lou, no abortions. Other 2 adults Wormwood and half a spoon for baby Rox.

It takes us 1 1/2 hours for 4 goats...

Mighty pressure, unstuck the syringe, squirt the 12 ft high kitchen ceiling with Wormwood. Sprint to barn for the tall step ladder. Washing Wormwood off the ceiling, my foot on top of the hanging kitchen cabinets, I fall from the ladder. My elbow. My elbow. My finger tips are skinned and swell. Who skins their finger tips?

Just once I want to hear: I am so lucky I married a woman with good balance! I want to hear it. I want to hear it.

My elbow is on an ice pack.

May 22, Wild Flowers

My friend is lost for one and a half hours trying to find us. I drive to the end of Smithson and lead her back. Tony is tense. He is making fruit stuffed pork chops. He says: she's coming, she's not coming, she's coming. We have gin and tonic all around. My friend is seventy. Both knees have been replaced. She tells me she has been paralyzed with depression. This is the friend who taught me the names of some wild flowers on long hikes. The next day we ride in the pickup high into the Ponderosa Pine. She tells me the names of Arrow Leaf Balsm Root that cover the hill sides in bunches of yellow. She shows me the difference between the golden Glacier Lillies and the yellow bells. I say come back once a month. She says "it would be fun to see the progression of wild flowers all through the summer. Yes, it would. She points out the fuzzy white spikes off the Death Camus.

Two people, never lived together, retire to the mountain side where it gusts fifty five mph. Time management: Tony Long Haul Trucker, if time management was a priority no body would drive trucks. Penny Bunches, thirty years a nurse: Prioritize, prioritize, prioritize. Tony Trucker's family: Portuguese fish wives in Provincetown. Yell a list of to-do's at husbands. Husbands grumble then do them. All speech is surface level. Penny Bunches' family: sit around the dinner table talking. Still talking over coffee.

Last summer, house construction I am yelling so much I am hoarse. Port-a-potties, one hundred mile commute, no shower, sleeping in the barn, a bill for $6,000 a bill for $11,000. Tony Trucker is bitching about me handing out fruit.

Winter slows down. Winter. The end of winer tony signs up for two classes at the high school: Cooking Sauces and Nonviolent Communication.

I get a job on the psych unit in Yakima, fifty mile commute. Two horses, three dogs, one cat and the third goat has babies, two of them die and the third, a girl, lives. Tony is sixty two. I will be sixty this summer. I am learning to ride bareback on my thoroughbred.