Presidents Day

One more time I send an application to Harborview but they will not call me and I am filled with February despair. When I come to the house Tony says again: There is nothing I can do. Of course that is not true. John sells Christmas trees in the winter. He has set up a lot and parks his van. Tony pulls the guy who delivers newspapers by car out of the ditch this winter. There are things. So much is now for me to figure out, come up with the ideas, the motivation, the positive attitude and, make the money. When I sit still I can picture Provincetown, Tony's male family sitting around the kitchen table smoking cigarettes and bitching. I can see his sisters with waist long black hair, standing, oooking, washing and escaping to the tourist motels to do the washing cleaning. The men sit because all they can do is fish and if the fishing isn't good they are off the hook. But I did not ever live in Provincetown. And I have been through this once before. The kids' father: If I don't have the money then I can't send you the money. And me saying: you expect me to come up with the money no matter what! I remember loosing the house. And I do not want to be in that place again and Tony is not that person. So, I start talking. Tony is going to go up the road this morning and talk to Bernice, ask about a few more does. I am telling Tony that I want him to be so busy that he has to say: Penny, I can't do it all, help me out. Then, I can say I'm not going to the big city hospitals to try to find a job. Then, I can just say, I live here. This evening is the first hot-tub of the season!